Things had been going so well for me. My emotions were in check and I actually felt a sense of peace about everything. I had "gotten over" my desire to be pregnant and felt content with things were and then I got sick. For some reason, puking my brains out and taking care of a newborn just seemed like too much and it sent me into a downward spiral. Then, my baby turned 1 month and it made things that much worse.
I think the bigger issue for me is that I don't know if/when or even if I want to do it all again. I know I want to be pregnant again but I don't know that I can handle more children and obviously, I can't have one without the other.
Then there is the stress of everything else. Mostly, finances. It seems things just happen for everybody around us. The single guys that Tavo works with will get fired from their job for testing dirty on a drug test and rather than suffer any consequences for their actions, another even better job falls into their laps. I wish it were that easy for Tavo. I wish he could be so lucky as to just WISH something would happen and POOF, there it is. Instead, he works his ass off for nothing. He rarely complains, he goes to work everyday and follows the rules, puts in a true effort and sees nothing for it.
I guess the difference between us and them is that we can appreciate what we have and strive for better because we know we want it and deserve it. And when we finally have it, we certainly won't take it for granted.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Not again!
Vincent is 3 weeks old today and I am already obsessing about when I will get to be pregnant again. I know that we absolutely cannot afford another child right now, and yet, that is the last thing on my mind. All I can think about is when, when, when.
Is it absolutely crazy that I actually feel jealous when I read about somebody finding out they are pregnant? How could I be jealous when I just finished the journey that they are beginning? I should be happy that they get to experience the joys that I was just able to experience.
On a better note, my emotions have gotten much more stable. It has been days since I've cried and I actually feel happy that Vincent is here, rather than sad that he isn't in my belly. I have moved out of "I want him back in my belly" to "I can't wait to experience a new pregnancy." While that maybe isn't the healthiest of mindsets to be in right now, it is a lot better than where I was a week ago. Any progress counts, right?
Is it absolutely crazy that I actually feel jealous when I read about somebody finding out they are pregnant? How could I be jealous when I just finished the journey that they are beginning? I should be happy that they get to experience the joys that I was just able to experience.
On a better note, my emotions have gotten much more stable. It has been days since I've cried and I actually feel happy that Vincent is here, rather than sad that he isn't in my belly. I have moved out of "I want him back in my belly" to "I can't wait to experience a new pregnancy." While that maybe isn't the healthiest of mindsets to be in right now, it is a lot better than where I was a week ago. Any progress counts, right?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The most difficult chore.
Over the past 2 weeks, I have very slowly been trying to catch up on my laundry. Today, I realized this chore is the one the makes me most emotional.
Today, I did my bleach load. In this is my underwear, socks and towels. I haven't done my bleach load at all since prior to Vincent's birth, so well over 1/2 of the items in there were worn while I was still pregnant. I can't believe how emotional I got, because I felt like I was "washing away" my pregnancy. Once those items are washed and dried and the next time they touch my skin, they will have nothing of my pregnancy left of them. I feel like, with each item that I wash, I erase my pregnancy a little bit more.
Even worse than washing, is folding/hanging up my clothes. Nearly everything I own is in a laundry basket because I know that as soon as they are hung in my closet, I may never get the chance to wear them while pregnant again. I don't want to face the reality of that, so I leave it in my garage and hope it disappears.
Of course, the fact that my daughter just turned 2 years old and my son is now 2 weeks doesn't help. I am not ready to NOT be pregnant, so I am certainly not ready to let my children grow up.
Today, I did my bleach load. In this is my underwear, socks and towels. I haven't done my bleach load at all since prior to Vincent's birth, so well over 1/2 of the items in there were worn while I was still pregnant. I can't believe how emotional I got, because I felt like I was "washing away" my pregnancy. Once those items are washed and dried and the next time they touch my skin, they will have nothing of my pregnancy left of them. I feel like, with each item that I wash, I erase my pregnancy a little bit more.
Even worse than washing, is folding/hanging up my clothes. Nearly everything I own is in a laundry basket because I know that as soon as they are hung in my closet, I may never get the chance to wear them while pregnant again. I don't want to face the reality of that, so I leave it in my garage and hope it disappears.
Of course, the fact that my daughter just turned 2 years old and my son is now 2 weeks doesn't help. I am not ready to NOT be pregnant, so I am certainly not ready to let my children grow up.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Well, here I am again.
I've created this blog as a form of therapy for myself. As a way to keep track of my feelings post partum and as a way to, hopefully, avoid the obsession with pregnancy that I had after my daughter was born in June of 2009.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Vincent Robert Zepeda, on May 24th, 2011 and have followed virtually the same path as I did after giving birth to Lorena.
I guess I should start at the beginning. On October 7th, 2008, Tavo and I found out we were expecting a baby. We got married on November 8th, 2008 and got our first apartment together. In April of 2009, we moved into our first home, with the help of my in-laws. On June 7th, 2009 we welcomed our beautiful daughter, Lorena Ann Zepeda.
As soon as we left the hospital, I slipped into a terrible depression and I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant again. I struggled daily for weeks and would have crying spells so bad that I had to go into the garage so my husband didn't hear me wailing. I couldn't look at my child sometimes, because I wanted nothing more than for her to be back in my body. I felt like the biggest failure. Here I was, with my beautiful new baby in my arms and I would have given anything to put her back in my body. I hated being alone, I hated not feeling her squirm in my belly and I hated my new body. I loathed showers, because I would have no choice but to look down at my empty stomach.
After about a month, I could shower without crying and I was able to enjoy cuddling with my new baby. I could look at her with love rather than feeling resentful that she wasn't inside of me any longer. I felt like the mother I should be. I loved having my baby here.
But, the feelings of wanting to be pregnant never went away. By December of 2009, I began obsessing about when I would ovulate and have my first post partum period. I would buy bulk ovulation and pregnancy tests online and I would take one or the other daily, hoping to either be pregnant or to ovulate so I could get pregnant again. Everyday, for months, both tests were negative. I worried I would never get my fertility back and that I could never get pregnant again. Then, in May of 2010, I finally got a positive ovulation test and within 2 weeks, had my first period. By September 2010, I was pregnant again.
That is where this journey begins. On September 17th, 2010, I found out I was pregnant. I had quite the mix of emotions. I was very happy but immediately felt like "OMG, what have we done? We are not ready for this." Finances were (and are) tight as it was and I can honestly say, the only reason I have my son here right now is because I wanted my pregnancy back. I was disappointed when things started out differently than with Lorena. The morning sickness was worse, though I still never vomited and I didn't have the time to rest like I did with Lorena because I had a 15 month old to chase around.
Eventually, I was just so excited that I was pregnant and allowed my pregnancy to be a new and different experience. I began to enjoy it just as much as I had enjoyed my pregnancy with my daughter, but in a different way. I loved that she would rub and kiss my belly and she was beginning to understand that there was a baby in there. I loved that I was feeling movement and I loved my big, huge belly. I loved the attention, I loved the pain, I loved the heartburn, I loved the peeing at night. I tried my best to enjoy every last little thing and I had hoped I would be more prepared for the emotions but...I guess there is just no preparing.
On May 23rd, 2011, I was so impatient and ready to meet my son. I went for a 3 mile walk with Tavo and cleaned the house before bed. I just knew it would be "the" night. At about 2 am on May 24th, I woke up and knew I was in labor. I took a shower and panicked, knowing that it was my last shower as a pregnant woman. I rubbed my belly and felt a huge sense of regret. I wished I hadn't rushed it. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to be in labor.
Within 12 hours of Vincent's birth, the feelings came flooding back. I was empty. Alone. My baby was in this world and no longer in my body. How strange, to feel so sad that you've welcomed your child into the world. But, here I am. It has been nearly 2 weeks since his birth and I still feel sad, lonely, empty. Everytime I shower, I am alone. When I lay down in bed, I am alone. When I play with my daughter, I am alone. I miss everything. I miss the pain, the movement, the insomnia. I miss having time with my daughter. I miss people paying attention to me. I miss the anticipation.
So, this is where it begins, again. This time, I don't have the idea of another pregnancy to fall back on, because financially, we couldn't possibly afford another child right now. I recognize that I cannot keep fixing my issues with a new pregnancy and so I need to face it head on and deal with it. I need to focus on the children I have. I need to love me for me, not me for the ability to carry a child. And I need to be honest. I need to be candid. I need to get my feelings out there, as horrible as they may be and as selfish as they may seem. I need to talk about it.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Vincent Robert Zepeda, on May 24th, 2011 and have followed virtually the same path as I did after giving birth to Lorena.
I guess I should start at the beginning. On October 7th, 2008, Tavo and I found out we were expecting a baby. We got married on November 8th, 2008 and got our first apartment together. In April of 2009, we moved into our first home, with the help of my in-laws. On June 7th, 2009 we welcomed our beautiful daughter, Lorena Ann Zepeda.
As soon as we left the hospital, I slipped into a terrible depression and I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant again. I struggled daily for weeks and would have crying spells so bad that I had to go into the garage so my husband didn't hear me wailing. I couldn't look at my child sometimes, because I wanted nothing more than for her to be back in my body. I felt like the biggest failure. Here I was, with my beautiful new baby in my arms and I would have given anything to put her back in my body. I hated being alone, I hated not feeling her squirm in my belly and I hated my new body. I loathed showers, because I would have no choice but to look down at my empty stomach.
After about a month, I could shower without crying and I was able to enjoy cuddling with my new baby. I could look at her with love rather than feeling resentful that she wasn't inside of me any longer. I felt like the mother I should be. I loved having my baby here.
But, the feelings of wanting to be pregnant never went away. By December of 2009, I began obsessing about when I would ovulate and have my first post partum period. I would buy bulk ovulation and pregnancy tests online and I would take one or the other daily, hoping to either be pregnant or to ovulate so I could get pregnant again. Everyday, for months, both tests were negative. I worried I would never get my fertility back and that I could never get pregnant again. Then, in May of 2010, I finally got a positive ovulation test and within 2 weeks, had my first period. By September 2010, I was pregnant again.
That is where this journey begins. On September 17th, 2010, I found out I was pregnant. I had quite the mix of emotions. I was very happy but immediately felt like "OMG, what have we done? We are not ready for this." Finances were (and are) tight as it was and I can honestly say, the only reason I have my son here right now is because I wanted my pregnancy back. I was disappointed when things started out differently than with Lorena. The morning sickness was worse, though I still never vomited and I didn't have the time to rest like I did with Lorena because I had a 15 month old to chase around.
Eventually, I was just so excited that I was pregnant and allowed my pregnancy to be a new and different experience. I began to enjoy it just as much as I had enjoyed my pregnancy with my daughter, but in a different way. I loved that she would rub and kiss my belly and she was beginning to understand that there was a baby in there. I loved that I was feeling movement and I loved my big, huge belly. I loved the attention, I loved the pain, I loved the heartburn, I loved the peeing at night. I tried my best to enjoy every last little thing and I had hoped I would be more prepared for the emotions but...I guess there is just no preparing.
On May 23rd, 2011, I was so impatient and ready to meet my son. I went for a 3 mile walk with Tavo and cleaned the house before bed. I just knew it would be "the" night. At about 2 am on May 24th, I woke up and knew I was in labor. I took a shower and panicked, knowing that it was my last shower as a pregnant woman. I rubbed my belly and felt a huge sense of regret. I wished I hadn't rushed it. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to be in labor.
Within 12 hours of Vincent's birth, the feelings came flooding back. I was empty. Alone. My baby was in this world and no longer in my body. How strange, to feel so sad that you've welcomed your child into the world. But, here I am. It has been nearly 2 weeks since his birth and I still feel sad, lonely, empty. Everytime I shower, I am alone. When I lay down in bed, I am alone. When I play with my daughter, I am alone. I miss everything. I miss the pain, the movement, the insomnia. I miss having time with my daughter. I miss people paying attention to me. I miss the anticipation.
So, this is where it begins, again. This time, I don't have the idea of another pregnancy to fall back on, because financially, we couldn't possibly afford another child right now. I recognize that I cannot keep fixing my issues with a new pregnancy and so I need to face it head on and deal with it. I need to focus on the children I have. I need to love me for me, not me for the ability to carry a child. And I need to be honest. I need to be candid. I need to get my feelings out there, as horrible as they may be and as selfish as they may seem. I need to talk about it.
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